I’ve just begun reading a book by Karl Pillemer, PhD called “30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans.” As you might guess, Pillemer identifies the wisest Americans as those that have already lived a good part of the lives they’ve been given and can now pass on reflections of lessons learned. He describes them as an “irreplaceable natural resource” whose combined advice “often upends contemporary conventional wisdom.” Hmmm …. So maybe the ideas we have about what constitutes a good life, and the attitudes and actions we use to get there are really not leading us to the destination that we envision. When I worked in the financial industry, we had a saying that went: “If what you thought is true isn’t true, when would you want to know?” NOW, I think.

So, I read past the first chapter definition of the wisest Americans to the first set of “Lessons for Living.” The first set of lessons centers on advice for a happy marriage. I thought I’d skim through these lessons since they don’t particularly apply to my own life. But even as I read the first lesson, it occurred to me that these ideas can apply to many types of relationships, including the employer/employee relationship.

To paraphrase, Lesson #1 is pick someone a lot like you. It seems like an easy thing to do, but apparently some of us are not very good at it. The consensus of the wisest Americans is that you should pick someone whose approach to life is similar to yours, someone who shares your core values. They all reported that when real problems or conflict developed in their marriages, it almost always was the result of differences in their values or approach to life. Even some of the wisest Americans made this mistake early on and were now in their second marriage with someone a lot (more) like them.

Translated to the workplace, doesn’t it make sense that a job seeker should not only look for an employer in need of their particular skill set, but also one that is a lot like them? Working in an environment that reflects your personal core values and approach to life will make you a more engaged, productive and happy employee. It’s a given that not every job seeker today is in a position to make employment decisions based solely on company core values. In today’s world, many are limited by their needed income (although I’m guessing the wisest Americans will have something to say later about needed vs. wanted!), geography, family obligations or a number of other “life things.” Still, I’m sure the wisest Americans would advise employees to move the “a lot like me” criteria as far up on the decision-making list as possible.

From the employer point of view, Lesson #1 is fair warning to develop, document and daily embrace the core values that define your company. “Core values are the personal, ethical, and ideological guidelines that set the standard for every aspect of business operations.” Defining these and incorporating them into every aspect of your business will give prospective employees an important decision-making point and will enhance your ability to retain engaged productive employees. As in marriage, if a difficult problem develops in an employer/employee relationship, value differences are likely to be a part of it.

In any relationship, both parties have some level of responsibility. With Lesson #1, employers are responsible for developing, documenting and daily embracing their core values while employees are responsible for making sure their employer’s core values are “a lot like me” so they can be engaged, productive and happy. Lesson #3 from the wisest Americans involves the give and take nature of a relationship. Almost all of them advised that successful relationships were not 50/50 situations but instead, 100/100. That is, each participant should strive to give 100% all of the time. When asked, most employees can give a list of employer responsibilities in the relationship: safe, respectful work environment, adequate compensation for skills, other financial benefits such as health insurance and retirement plan, non-discriminatory workplace where everyone is treated fairly. I’m sure you can add other employer responsibilities to the list. But what about the employee’s responsibility to their employer? If a successful relationship is defined by two parties contributing 100% each, then the employee must have a similar list: productivity, positive attitude, open to instruction, punctuality, and adherence to company policies certainly make the list. As an employee, what else would you add? Yes, Lesson #3 applies to the workplace also. Both employer and employee are responsible for maintaining a successful working relationship.

It wasn’t until I finished reading the chapter on lessons for a happy marriage that I noticed its title: Great Together. The lessons presented do focus in on what makes relationships successful whether they are in marriage or in employment. What makes you and your employer Great Together?